CHARACTERS
JEREMY: a patient, headache, Bostonian
DR HOTT: a doctor, charismatic
SETTING
Doctors office
TIME
Present day
SUMMARY
Jeremy visits the doctor with a headache, but things take a strange turn when the doctor comes in.
NOTES
The soundtrack of Waterworld (SNES) plays in the background.
(Map and Mission Theme 01 specifically, but all could work)
Transformation into bug should be done as creatively as possible!
(Lights up. We see JEREMY sitting on an exam table in a doctor’s office. He’s absentmindedly fidgeting, waiting for the doctor to come in. He sighs.
All of a sudden we see DR HOTT, dressed in bike shorts, a helmet, a lab coat, and no shirt, ride in on his mountain bike. He gets off it and puts the kickstand down.)
DR HOTT
Hey, I’m Dr Hott,
(He reaches into his pocket and grabs his ID, showing it to JEREMY, pointing out his age)
60.
(He puts it away)
What brings you in today?
JEREMY
Well, I’ve been having this wicked bad headache for a few days now and it’s just gotten worse.
DR HOTT
Ah, I see. Is it in a specific spot or just all over?
JEREMY
Um… I think it’s a migraine? So like, on my right side.
DR HOTT
And have you ever had a migraine before?
JEREMY
Nope. Uh, I’ve only had regular ol’ headaches so this is kinda freaking me out.
DR HOTT
Okay okay,
(He takes off his helmet, shakes out his long hair, and sets it down on the counter)
Have you been trying anything at home for it?
JEREMY
Well, I’ve been taking some Tylenol™ but it hasn’t been helping.
DR HOTT
Anything else?
JEREMY
Not that I can think of? I mean, I’ve been trying to drink more water in case I was dehydrated and stuff like that but it’s still there.
DR HOTT
Well, I can recommend resting as much as you can, staying in the dark, and definitely keep drinking a lot of water.
JEREMY
Is there anything I can take for it? I just want it to go away.
DR HOTT
Well, there are some things I could prescribe, but if you really want to get rid of it now, there’s only one thing we can do.
JEREMY
Yes?!
DR HOTT
Jeremy,
(DR HOTT sits on a stool, scooting closer to JEREMY)
Do you want to eat bugs
JEREMY
Do I wanna…?
DR HOTT
Eat bugs
(JEREMY considers this for a second, then)
JEREMY
Yeah, of course
What d’ya have?
(DR HOTT opens a drawer of a filing cabinet, looking through it)
DR HOTT
Well, let’s see…
(As DR HOTT looks through, JEREMY reacts physically and vocally to the types of bugs he offers. The reactions vary from utter disgust to excitement.)
I’ve got co*ckroaches,
Ants,
Crickets,
(DR HOTT pulls a live hissing co*ckroach from the cabinet)
Oh Jesus
(JEREMY is incredibly interested in this. DR HOTT notices his reaction and is creeped out. He throws the co*ckroach offstage, much to JEREMY’s dismay)
Grasshoppers…
OH! I recently got this in, never tried ‘em before…
(DR HOTT pulls out a scorpion, dead)
JEREMY
OOOH! An Asian Forest Scorpion? I’ve been dying to try one of those for months now!
(JEREMY grabs the scorpion out of DR HOTT’s hand and sniffs it)
This smells delectable
Can I- can I taste it?
(DR HOTT nods. Jeremy pulls a tiny piece off the scorpion and eats it. He moans [not sexually])
Oh my god.
DR HOTT
Good?
JEREMY
This is like the best bug I’ve ever eaten. No, the best thing . It’s just… incredible
DR HOTT
Mind if I try?
(DR HOTT scoots closer to JEREMY again. JEREMY grabs ahold of one of the scorpion’s legs tenderly, tensely. They lock eyes while he pulls it off. JEREMY lightly touches DR HOTT’s chin and opens his mouth. He puts the scorpion leg in. DR HOTT chews carefully. He’s having a life-changing experience.)
Holy sh*t.
JEREMY
I know, right?
(JEREMY and DR HOTT eat the rest of the scorpion, tearing off limbs, feeding them to each other, ending with them playing the pocky game with the scorpion’s tail, etc. This should be unsettling. JEREMY is the one to pull away as he gets flustered at the last second.)
Dr Hott, I…
(JEREMY turns away)
(fast, nervous) Do you have another one?
DR HOTT
I’m afraid I don’t…
(DR HOTT sits next to JEREMY on the examination table and rubs his back)
JEREMY
I’ve just… never tasted a bug like that…
(JEREMY leans into DR HOTT, burying his face in his hair)
Your hair smells real good…
(DR HOTT starts to pet JEREMY’s hair. JEREMY lets out a breath.)
That… feels really nice. It’s been so long since I-
DR HOTT
You have really soft hair, you know that?
(JEREMY chuckles. DR HOTT starts to slow down his petting as he finds something strange.)
There’s something in your hair…
(He pulls out what looks to be antennae growing from JEREMY’s head)
Well, I-
I think I may have found the source of your headache.
JEREMY
Wh-what is it?
DR HOTT
Well, it's, um, it looks like something is growing out of your head.
JEREMY
GROWING OUT OF MY HEAD????
DR HOTT
It looks like, um, how do I put this lightly?
It looks like an antenna is coming out of your head.
JEREMY
What does that mean!?!
DR HOTT
It means you have antennae on your head.
JEREMY
I know that!
WHY?
DR HOTT
That is a very good question.
(A pause)
I’m not sure.
JEREMY
You’re not sure? You’re a doctor! You’re supposed to know what’s wrong with me!
DR HOTT
Yeah, but I’m not a bug doctor.
JEREMY
You have an entire cabinet filled with bugs!
DR HOTT
I only eat those, I don’t diagnose them.
JEREMY
I just-
(JEREMY runs to DR HOTT and hugs him.)
Please
Can you help me?
I need you.
(DR HOTT hugs back, a recall of the tender moments before. JEREMY goes to pull away, but he sticks to DR HOTT’s lab coat.)
JEREMY
I’m sorry. I’m not sure what’s happening.
(He continues to try and pull away, but his hands aren’t budging.)
DR HOTT
It’s alright, I’ll just…
(DR HOTT takes off his lab coat, stepping back above JEREMY’s arms. He is now shirtless. He’s incredibly fit, muscles bulging, skin tan, lightly coated in sweat from his bike ride before. His lab coat is stuck to JEREMY’s hands.)
Okay, that’s better.
(JEREMY stares at DR HOTT. He’s starting to blush.)
JEREMY
Wow…
(JEREMY clears his throat.)
(fast and nervous again) Can you help me get this off?
DR HOTT
Oh, yeah sure!
(DR HOTT takes a hold of the lab coat and rips it off JEREMY’s hands, throwing it offstage. DR HOTT then walks towards JEREMY and examines his hands.)
The good news is that you might be able to climb walls!
JEREMY
What?
DR HOTT
Your hands are secreting some kind of adhesive substance, which is why they stuck to my lab coat.
JEREMY
Oh God
Ew ew ew ew ew
(A beat.)
Is anything else going to happen to me???
DR HOTT
With the way things are going, I wouldn’t be surprised if you sprout wings soon.
(JEREMY makes a panicked noise.)
Hey, hey, it’s okay.
Look on the bright side! Wings would be uh… super cool.
(JEREMY groans, sitting down and putting his face in his hands.)
JEREMY
I just don’t understand what’s going on…
(JEREMY tries to lift his head, but his hands are stuck to it.)
Are you kidding me?
Can you help again?
(DR HOTT tries as carefully as he can to pry his hands off his face without hurting him. It isn’t working, so he just tears them off. JEREMY yelps. When we see JEREMY’s face again, there are mandibles protruding from his lower face.)
DR HOTT
There’s, uh,
You might want to see this.
(DR HOTT finds a mirror and hands it to JEREMY)
(JEREMY looks in the mirror)
JEREMY
What the f*ck ???
I-
I-
PINCHERS?
DR HOTT
Well, actually, they’re mandibles.
JEREMY
That doesn’t matter! Why are they on my face!!!??
DR HOTT
I’d say they’re there because you’re turning into a bug.
JEREMY
That’s obvious!
Again, WHY?
(DR HOTT shrugs)
You are no help.
DR HOTT
I told you, this isn’t my area of expertise.
JEREMY
God.
Can you just, I don’t know, kill me right now?
DR HOTT
Legally, I’m not allowed to do that. We’re not in Canada !
JEREMY
Can you do something ?? You’re supposed to help me!
DR HOTT
I mean, I can try.
(DR HOTT grabs ahold of one of JEREMY’s mandible parts.)
This may hurt a little.
(DR HOTT pulls on the mandible, trying to pull it out. It does come out, but coming with it is part of JEREMY’s face. JEREMY screams in agony.)
JEREMY
OW WHAT THE f*ck?
IS THAT MY f*ckING FACE?
(JEREMY looks in the mirror again. He screams. JEREMY runs off the stage. DR HOTT is left standing on stage, holding half of JEREMY’s face in his hands. We hear sounds of vomiting and screaming.)
JESUS CHRIST! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
(JEREMY runs back on stage. He is now an ant.)
DR HOTT
Oh wow. An ant? I was expecting a mantis or something cool like that, y’know?
(JEREMY makes frustrated bug noises at this.)
Woah. Woah. I’m sorry.
Ants are… super cool?
(JEREMY sighs in a bug way. His head drops and his antennae droop. He is bug sad. DR HOTT walks over to him, rubbing his bug arm.)
Hey, hey. It’s okay.
(JEREMY snuggles up to DR HOTT. It’s sweet. JEREMY then leans in, his mandibles clicking together. DR HOTT leans back.)
Woah, buddy.
Listen, if you were still a human, I’d be into doing this but, like, I’m not really attracted to-
(JEREMY’s mandibles grab on to DR HOTT’s face. Blackout. We hear the sounds of bones crunching and flesh being torn apart, as DR HOTT screams.)
(End)
